This post was going to be about something totally different but thought I would write down what exactly is happening now.

At the moment I can feel that I'm heading for a blue patch. Frankly I want to do nothing more than curl up into bed and pretend the whole world has disappeared.

I don't want to get out and about...don't want to talk to people, don't want to see them. Simply want to hibernate.

This doesn't happen a lot to me, but it does happen. By now I can see the signs, know it's coming, so I ready myself to ride it out.

There is a lot of positive talking.

I attempt mindfulness...which as a born pessimist is extremely difficult to do. And I know I have it damned good. I have a very very good life. Have a husband and family that love me...two grandchildren I love to the moon and back, another about to be born. I have a job I love ...doing something that I'm not only good at but that helps the community. I am now volunteering at a Toy Library - another case of giving back to the community I work in.

I have a lovely home, a garden that isn't every one's cup of tea, but is a form of my creativity.
I have good health (compared to so many others)....yet still that black wave comes.

I force myself to get up each morning, try to get out into the garden (a bit of my self care routine).  Even if it's to walk around and see, really see what is there. Take a moment to enjoy and just be.

I do think of so many things that have  should be done. Some I do, others I put off.

I think of what goals I had with my writing. Feel guilty that the time that could be spent on my writing is being spent on feeling sorry for myself.

Perhaps I should put some words down, but know due to experience, that it will be a dark mush of ugliness.  But maybe I should just put something down, then hit delete. Tear up the page.

I am striving to throw away the guilt. To ignore what SHOULD be done, until I can start feeling like my usual self.

As I said, this was to be a totally different post but decided to put it out there that we can never understand what anyone else is going through. That so many of us are good at hiding our real selves.

So for me, I'm going to head out and pick some daphne. Fill the house with that sweet, almost sickly scent.

And take it one step at a time.



  1. No guilt. No shame. Just living. Breathing. Getting through. ��

    1. That's the secret I think,...no guilt, no shame and yes getting through.

  2. I hear ya, im taking off next week to out run those feelings for a bit đź‘Ł


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog